As I push forward, the past drags me back. Any progress I feel I’ve made, any time I feel that I’ve moved on, something occurs that smacks me across the face with the truth: that situation I thought I resolved? I actually carefully swept it under the rug, threw the rug back down, climbed and stood atop the pile, and claimed to have overcome it. While I may indeed be standing on top of the pile, that beautiful yet thin carpet that only hides things temporarily, stands between me and the unavoidable truth that I have resolved nothing.
I write now of a situation that has gone on almost interminably and the light bulb that finally went off down in Ticalandia, allowing me to hopefully officially move on to the next great chapter of my life.
While I consider myself to be a leader in some ways, rather than a follower, pursuing what it is I want to do and what I am interested in, I also have an incessant need to make sure everyone is happy. This has sometimes translated into being swayed by others’ feelings, interests, actions, etc., whether in social situations, travel situations or romantic situations. Occasionally, I allow myself to be persuaded before fully thinking through and reflecting on what it is I want to do or how I feel. (I’m sure you can imagine what kind of predicaments this led me to in those adolescent years ;))
But while this may be more commonplace when you’re younger, as you get older, you should grow more confident in who you are and your beliefs and more independent in the choices you make, knowing what is right and wrong for your life, and most importantly, knowing what it is that you want. Though for me this is true, especially as I learn to follow my heart and do what makes me happy rather than boxing myself up and conforming to what I think are societal pressures, I do still have that need to please people and still find myself influenced by their desires and beliefs rather than being firm and secure in my own. I understand now that both of these things stem from past experiences of feeling like I disappointed others, and also a disbelief in my own capabilities and intelligence.
So, how do I finally move forward from this situation that keeps pulling me back like a moth to a flame, like a sailor to a siren? I need to seriously reflect on and understand what is best for my life, and what it is that I truly want, and have faith in the fact that I do know what is best for my life.
To be swayed by others is to forget who you are. I have found myself in almost the same exact place I was a few years ago. There might as well be a huge sign with neon lights that says, “Nina WAKE UP and FACE THIS SITUATION ALREADY!” It is not about anyone else allowing me to move on, it is about understanding that I am the only one who will free myself of this and move on. The only way to do that is to sit down and think about what it is I want and need for my life, and realizing that what may appear to be great on a surface level is only temporary and superficial, and that sometimes when things don’t work, it’s for a reason…For you to learn what you need from it and expand your life to prepare you for something even more meaningful and greater than you could have imagined.
It’s so hard to let go though…Because sometimes those temporary and surface level things…they’re so good, and so sweet. And it’s not to say that this sweetness was or has turned bitter or poisonous…it is a sweetness that I will always remember, and that has had a profound impact on my life…but it’s time for me to dig deeper and delve into those issues that I have so long avoided.
Youth is a time of deepening your roots, and I intend on deepening mine so that I will no longer be swayed by other influences. It is time to develop the strength, courage, wisdom, and faith to take full responsibility for my life, and believe in myself, my wants, my needs…my dreams.